Oof.

I just updated the little scrapbook my mom gave me for this little endeavor (filled with well-wishes from everyone who attended our kick-off/ Nick's 30th birthday party at PNC Park) with the stubs and notes from the Nats game.  I had the end of The Green Hornet (Seth Rogan edition-- it's a pretty awesomely awful travesty of a movie) on for background noise, when it hit me that this was the last movie Nick saw in a theater.

Sigh.  Oh, those precious moments of emotional sucker punches right in a spot already tender as hell.  Those moments when my desperate but tenuous grasp on my emotional control slips completely.  At least I was in private-- unlike those moments at Camden Yards or yesterday at Nationals Park where, surrounded by thousands of people having a grrrrrrrrrrrreat time.  Those are the times the grief likes to cling, the invisible anchor weighing me down.  It's almost like my own personal emotional humidity-- sapping my strength and occasionally erupting into a violent storm, after which it worsens as often as it eases.

I know, I know.  One step at a time, it's a process, etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

At some point, I will actually write up each of the stadiums (can I say stadia?  I really want to use stadia, but I'm afraid of sounding pretentious).  But each visit is emotionally taxing-- heck, each time I update this blog, it's emotionally taxing-- so my write-ups will have to wait a little longer.

But it's okay, I think.  It's going to take a while to visit the stadiums (stadia!) outside of my metro area(s), so there will be plenty of time to catch up.

Nationals Park today!

We're at the first park Nick never got to visit today. He did see the Nationals at home-- when they played at RFK. We were supposed to come to DC to see Nationals Park, but our schedules didn't quite work out with the Nats' schedule that summer.  And then he was gone.

Very nice park.  Al & the Parrot enjoyed clowning around, as you can see.

Three down, 27 to go.

Made it! Kinda...

Tickets bought, at least?

Tonight: Stop #2

Things on the other side of my life have been a bit hectic (new job, that sort of thing), but today's the day for Stadium #2 of 30- Oriole Park at Camden Yards. That's a long, oddly formal name for a ballpark, and for a ballpark in Baltimore. I mean, it's so much like Pittsburgh here, something I can't no matter how bitter the rivalry is between the two. Even the accents are similar. True, Pittsburgh's got the high fairly new glossy veneer of medical & tech industry while Baltimore is decidedly lacking in what one person called "Midwest nice" (and let's face it, drivers here are terrible- my car has been dinged so many times, no matter where I park). But Baltimore is like Pittsburgh's rough and tumble cousin, enough commonalities that you know they were cut from the same cloth.

Tonight's game won't have anywhere near the level of emotion as our Pirates game, but I think it'll still be pretty tough. No group, no recognition on the scoreboard, just going to a baseball game, like normal people. Like Nick. Like the last time I went to an O's game- with Nick. Mercifully, it shouldn't be 106 today like it was then, but still... just like a few weeks ago, there's some part of me that will feel fundamentally wrong going to a game without my brother.

Batter up?

I am not arranging group tickets, but should anyone else care to come along, the next stop in this little endeavor is here in Baltimore on Saturday, May 12.  I'm actually just buying tickets that day, so I can get the actual stubs a la Nick's preference.

I took it as a sign when I saw that it's "Boy Scout Night," because 1. Nick was an Eagle Scout, and 2. when I took Nick to see the O's,  it was 106 freaking degrees (I am not exaggerating) and it was... Boy Scout Night.   So, yeah.  Seems appropriate enough, no?  Let's just hope that the weather doesn't repeat.

So.  Let's see if I can get through this one without choking up too much.  I mean, it was a pretty hilarious time the last time I was there.

What happened to you, what happened to you?

Aside from a health crisis in my boyfriend's family, it's been a relatively quiet few days since the game.  And the game was more or less a success.  And yet...

I've been feeling incredibly down since Sunday.  I was plugging along, but somewhere along the line while getting ready that morning I was hit with this strong feeling of deja-vu that reminded me of getting ready the morning of Nick's funeral.  The I-have-to-go-put-on-a-good-face-for-all-of-these-people-even-though-I-feel-like-running-away-to-cry feeling.  So I put on my brave face, but once we were there, actually inside, and there were people that came... I did not trust myself to speak, not hardly a word, for fear that I'd just completely lose my shit.

Oops, that's a swear.  Meh.

But my instincts were right, because once I had to talk to the very nice woman who introduced us and we did the live shot-- yes, my ugly mug up there, larger than life, on the Jumbotron, encouraging folks to donate blood to help people like Nick and advertising this silly little endeavor-- once I got through that?  I did lose my shit.  Completely.

It's not like I thought that doing this would bring my brother back.  But maybe I thought that the catharsis could help to serve as a kind of grief capstone, subconsciously clinging to the notion that we'd have this event, and... transition to the next phase of Dealing With It.  

Of course not.  Things never work out the way you think or hope or wish they will.  Life isn't a move that wraps everything up with a tidy bow, at least not if you're from my little patch of gene pool.  Instead of a capstone, I feel like the scab of grief has been ripped off and the wound bleeds anew.  Something about realizing that this was indeed likely the last time any number of these friends and family would be gathered for something around my brother, it just completely demolished whatever sense of healing I might have had.

Sigh.

Given my mood, let's wrap this in old skool LJ style with some song lyrics.

One more year that you're not here has gone and passed you by 
What happened to you, what happened to you? 
One more tear that you won't hear, has gone and passed you by 
What happened to you, what happened to you?

-Foo Fighters (Resolve)

One down, 29 to go

We did it.  It was chilly and drizzly, and not everyone could make it (or tough it out the whole time), but we did it.  More pictures are forthcoming, but here are the boys across the river from the park.  Aww.

I can't write this as a full blown ballpark review a la Ballpark Chasers because frankly, it was an incredibly emotional day and I was having a hard time just talking, let alone do anything else yesterday.  But PNC Park was as usual a wonderful place to see a game, even if the Buccos did lose 5-1 to the Cards.  Even better, almost all attendees signed a book put together by my mom with memories of my brother and well wishes for this silly little endeavor of mine.

29 to go.  Camden Yards-- I'm sorry, Oriole Park at Camden Yards-- is next.