What happened to you, what happened to you?

Aside from a health crisis in my boyfriend's family, it's been a relatively quiet few days since the game.  And the game was more or less a success.  And yet...

I've been feeling incredibly down since Sunday.  I was plugging along, but somewhere along the line while getting ready that morning I was hit with this strong feeling of deja-vu that reminded me of getting ready the morning of Nick's funeral.  The I-have-to-go-put-on-a-good-face-for-all-of-these-people-even-though-I-feel-like-running-away-to-cry feeling.  So I put on my brave face, but once we were there, actually inside, and there were people that came... I did not trust myself to speak, not hardly a word, for fear that I'd just completely lose my shit.

Oops, that's a swear.  Meh.

But my instincts were right, because once I had to talk to the very nice woman who introduced us and we did the live shot-- yes, my ugly mug up there, larger than life, on the Jumbotron, encouraging folks to donate blood to help people like Nick and advertising this silly little endeavor-- once I got through that?  I did lose my shit.  Completely.

It's not like I thought that doing this would bring my brother back.  But maybe I thought that the catharsis could help to serve as a kind of grief capstone, subconsciously clinging to the notion that we'd have this event, and... transition to the next phase of Dealing With It.  

Of course not.  Things never work out the way you think or hope or wish they will.  Life isn't a move that wraps everything up with a tidy bow, at least not if you're from my little patch of gene pool.  Instead of a capstone, I feel like the scab of grief has been ripped off and the wound bleeds anew.  Something about realizing that this was indeed likely the last time any number of these friends and family would be gathered for something around my brother, it just completely demolished whatever sense of healing I might have had.

Sigh.

Given my mood, let's wrap this in old skool LJ style with some song lyrics.

One more year that you're not here has gone and passed you by 
What happened to you, what happened to you? 
One more tear that you won't hear, has gone and passed you by 
What happened to you, what happened to you?

-Foo Fighters (Resolve)

One down, 29 to go

We did it.  It was chilly and drizzly, and not everyone could make it (or tough it out the whole time), but we did it.  More pictures are forthcoming, but here are the boys across the river from the park.  Aww.

I can't write this as a full blown ballpark review a la Ballpark Chasers because frankly, it was an incredibly emotional day and I was having a hard time just talking, let alone do anything else yesterday.  But PNC Park was as usual a wonderful place to see a game, even if the Buccos did lose 5-1 to the Cards.  Even better, almost all attendees signed a book put together by my mom with memories of my brother and well wishes for this silly little endeavor of mine.

29 to go.  Camden Yards-- I'm sorry, Oriole Park at Camden Yards-- is next.

Today is the day!

We're on our way to PNC Park!

Three more days!?

Three days to go. The boys are packed for their first road trip. We have (l to r) Steamer & Al Tuna from the Pirates' AA affiliate Altoona Curve, and the Pirate Parrot.


Steamer and the Pirate Parrot were gifts from Nick, so they have a lot of sentimental value- and they're coming along for the ride.

Happy birthday, Nick

Today Nick would have turned 30. Happy birthday Nick, wherever you are. I hope we can pull off your party, though the weather forecast looks a little threatening.

Four days to go!

Lots of laundry and packing tonight, because I'm heading home (to my real home) after work tomorrow for Spring Carnival (I really hope I get to hear pipers-- like virtually all CMU alumni I have a weakness and it's been a really long time)... and the game.  Right now, Angels in the Outfield (the original, not the corny remake) is on TCM.  You know, the comedy about heavenly intervention helping the Pirates.

I don't expect any heavenly intervention will cause the Pirates' 19 year old losing streak to end this season, like in the movie.  I actually don't really believe in angels (at least, not in the sense of the movie and popular culture in general).  But it does warm the cockles of my heart to see Hamerschlag Hall, the Cathedral, and the Carnegie museum/ library complex (all sooty and dark!) lurking in the background in the scenes filmed at Forbes Field,  It's like a little slice of comfort pie for this child of the Mon Valley that considers Oakland & Squirrel Hill her real home.

I'd better go put my wash in the dryer.  Four days to go!

Five days to go!?!

Five days to go until the game!

I can't pretend that Sunday isn't going to leave me an emotional wreck.  But I feel much better facing it with the understanding, support, and love from so many for me and for my parents.  I don't think I would have ever started this whole project of doing the things Nick wanted to do without my parents.  I don't think I ever would have started this blog without the suggestion from a friend to journal about losing Nick (and all of the other losses that scarred 2011).  I wouldn't have had the courage to set up this HUGE event, including the tee-shirts and approaching the Blood Bank, without the encouragement of a few friends in particular, reassuring me that at the very least, they would come.  And I definitely couldn't have done this without my boyfriend's constant supply of hugs and encouragement when I'm feeling down and incredible enthusiasm and humor when I'm feeling up.